Now What

I wasn't sure what all of this meant. I was raised in a Christian home, my dad was a pastor for the first ten years of my life, so I knew full well how a lot of Christians lived. I had rejected Christianity partially because I didn't like the restricted lifestyle. So, I decided I had better get some things straight between the Almighty and me. There were three core issues that I was not going to compromise on, one was attending church, the second was, giving money to a church, and the third was not following other Christians around and trying to act like them. I knelt down and prayed, declaring to the God of the universe, that I was not going to attend any of his churches, and I was not going to give any of my money to any of this churches. And as far as the bahavior thing goes, I knew I was just going to be avoiding most Christians anyway, so I wasn't worried about that.

Then I thought about what I did want to do. I had never read the Bible all the way through. I had never had any kind of a prayer life. These two things became the center of my getting to know Jesus. Reading about Him and praying to Him. Everyday at breakfast time I would open my Bible, spend some time reading and then before going off to work, spend some time in prayer. It took me three years to read through the whole Bible. During that time, I found that God was revealing Himself to me through His word. I know it sound kind of funny if this has not been your experience, but the more I read, the more complete picture I was able to piece together of God. At the same time, I was becoming more and more aware of a stark difference between what I was praying for in the morning and how I was acting throughout the day. Again this was God's word, working it's way into my mind and into my prayers.

At this point, it has been over three years since I was saved. It is the summer of 1994. My brother Monty called me and invited me to a men's gathering that was being held at the Los Angeles Colliseum. He also invited our dad to go. I had never been to an event like this. It was called Promise Keepers, and it was a gigantic event. Over 65,000 men gathered to participate. I came away from that event, challenged to start living a Christian life that was visible. My brother and my dad were encouraging me to grow. It was the turning point in my walk with Jesus.

Left Wanting

So left wanting was where it was at for me. When the larger questions of life loomed, I put the thoughts out of my mind. Drugs and Alcohol are an excellent tool for altering the mind. I reasoned that everyone struggled with these larger questions so why make a big deal over it. Besides, when I weighed out the predicted results of various religions, it seemed to me that I had no choice in the matter. If, as I believed, there was nothing after death, I had no choice. And if the Muslim was right, he couldn't find out his fate until it was too late, so he had no choice. And if the Hindu was right, he would continue to be recycled, so he had no choice. The most that any man could do was try to be good and hope for the best. Other than that their fate was sealed.

Christianity is different. It starts with the premise that you can never be good enough. I liked that, because I knew it was true about me. Second, it contends that man's only hope is in God. And third, it claims that God made it possible to be with Him after death, because He sent His son to die as a sacrifice for mankind's sins.
Imagine that. By believing that Jesus is who He says He is, and willfully placing my trust in His claim, I could be guaranteed life with Him, in an eternal place where there was no evil. And He claimed that He would accept me just as I was, if I would only trust Him.

At this point I would like to quote C.S.Lewis again in his reference to Jesus' claim.

Jesus: God, Lunatic, or Evil Man

Jesus.....told people that their sins were forgiven. ......This makes sense only if He really was the God whose laws are broken and whose love is wounded in every sin.
......I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: "I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God."
That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic----on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg----or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.

The choice was mine to make. I asked Him to come into my heart and my life and be my Redeemer. And He took me just as I was. He forgave me all my sins. Decades of pride and arrogance, vile thoughts, hurtful deeds, and all the other things I've mentioned. I remember being overwhelmed and afraid. Afraid of what others would think. Afraid that this might mean that I have to attend church. Afraid that being a Christian was a lifestyle I could not do. I decided not to tell anyone. I was alone when I prayed and asked Jesus to come into my heart. So, I could keep it a secret and then I wouldn't loose all my friends. I went home that night, smoked a joint and thought about what had happened that afternoon. Here I was, still a drug addict, still an alcoholic, pornography all over the house, still living like I had always lived, and yet, I was granted the same gift that a Saint would receive. How was this possible? It was possible because Salvation comes thru faith, not thru good deeds.

Sold Out

Mom passed away last night. She died peacefully at the care facility. Several family members were with her just hours before her passing. I am relieved that mom has gone home. It was her request not to have any heroic measures taken and upon death, to be cremated.

While this loss is foremost in my mind I want to talk a little about dying and death and funerals and such. Before I decided to place my trust in Jesus as my Savior, I spent decades living with no assurances and no hope. I went to funerals where the majority, if not all of the attendees, were just as lost as I was. We would console each other, genuinely caring that one of our close friends had lost a loved one, and often cry and grieve the loss. There were any number of nice gestures. Once, at the funeral of a woman who was killed in an automobile accident, we were all given helium balloons. And at the proper moment we released them in unison and all watched them go skyward in a kind of quiet pensive moment. This kind of activity was followed by reassurances of the dearly departed being in a better place. Being in a better place!! What in the world does that mean, I thought? And how do you know it's true? Well, we were making it up as we went. No one ever talked about the Biblical notion of Ultimate Justice. Several, mostly women, thought that we come back and do this again. Ugh!! Do this again? Oh yes, they would say, several times, until we get it right. Get it right? Get what right? Live a perfect life? Not this guy. You could give me a thousand lives, and once I began I would chuck the whole notion of living a perfect life and save it for the next time.

Because I did not want to dwell on dying, and because the very topic made me uncomfortable I didn't spend much time engaged in these conversations. I read a bumper sticker one day that became my motto. It said, "since I gave up hope I feel much better." I thought to myself. Just get over it, there is no hope and people who think there is are delusional. So give up and live for the moment. And living for the moment seemed to work best. I kept the nagging emptiness at bay with distractions and future plans. As long as I had a vacation coming up, or a new purchase, or a new interest, I could go along quite nicely. I tried to ignore the age lines in my face and my sagging gut. I consoled myself with thoughts of selfishness and pride. And in the end, the emptiness was still there. Someday I was going to die and I was getting tired of pinning my hopes on the next new truck or the next vacation. They all fell short of my expectations and left me wanting.

Sold Out

Dear Reader,
The near death of my mother took me out of town these last three days. As of today, she is still breathing however most of her body is shutting down. She is comfortable, the Hospice Nurse,[God bless all nurses] is administering morphine as needed. The visit was a wonderful occasion. My brothers Brooks and Monty were there as well as my sister Michelle and my wife Gail and Monty's wife Patti. We enjoyed old memories, we prayed together, we sang to mom our childhood song,[Jesus Loves Me], and we had great meals thanks to the generosity of Monty and Patti. We decided that the visit was our tribute and memorial to our mother. Our brother Woody remained in California, but we were in touch with him by phone.

The visit has left me in a somewhat reflective mood. Death, especially death of a loved one, is a stark reminder of the brevity of life. All the things that are so important at the moment, are suddenly over. There is nothing left to do but die. Whatever one's views are of the dying process, I have learned that the body knows full well how to do this. There is a built in mechanism. Try as we might against this, the mechansim takes over.

For those of you who haven't heard, mom decided in January of this year to put her trust in Jesus as the Savior of her life. Brooks and I were present during this time of commitment. Mom said that she had believed in Jesus ever since she was a little girl. It was a great moment for Brooks and me, one we will long remember. We now know with assurance that mom will dwell in the place of absolute righteousness for eternity.

The respected scholar and teacher at Oxford University for 29 years, C.S. Lewis, wrote this short note on Eternal life.
"A vague religion-all about feeling God in nature, and so on-is so attractive. It is all thrills and no work; like watching the waves from the beach. But you will not get to Newfoundland by studying the Atlantic, and you will not get eternal life by simply feeling the presence of God in Flowers or music."

Sold Out

Sold Out
I mentioned yesterday that family and political views would make up the content of this blog. After giving this a lot of thought and prayer, I have decided that the main thrust will be to honor Christ in these writings. Occasionally I will touch on family and politics.

A word of encouragement. You are never too old and never too screwed up to be passed over by Jesus. He is in the business of saving the unwanted and outcast. At the same time, you are never too perfect, and never have it all together enough, to be passed over by Jesus. He is in the business of extending His grace to all. He makes it quite clear, "he who has the Son has life. He who does not have the Son, does not have life." 1st John 5:12.

He offers as a free gift, eternal life with Him. The offer is extended to each of us for as long as we have breath on this earth. We have the choice. Our free will is not violated. The choice we make determines where we will spend eternity.

This is my first blog. I'm not sure where I am going with this, but between family news and die hard conservative views, I'll be posting as time allows.